Breakup Survival 101

I am hooked on reading blogs. My day is not complete without checking out my favorites. Interestingly, today I came across a post entitled “Great Break Up Songs”. From a list of ten, I chose three entitled “One Last Cry”, “I Will Survive”, and “Last Goodbye”. You’ll see why.

Fresh out of college, I married at 21 years old. Very young and naïve, I thought marriage would be a fairy tale. Like the stories I read as a little girl I believed it would end with “… and they lived happily ever after”. Looking back now, weddings were the happily ever after endings in fairy tales. After that, your guess was as good as mine.

For 24 years I clung to my marriage trying harder to make things work, hoping to at least make it to the 25th year. But there are things that we can’t stop from happening and it is then that we know when to walk away. It’s been two years now. I don’t remember when I had my one last cry. But I have survived gracefully. I am certainly not an expert in this but I have learned how to survive a breakup and yes, I have learned well. So if you’re still drowning in your sorrows, stand tall, wipe away those tears and learn a few lessons from me.

First, love yourself. When you look good, you feel good. I have always physically taken care of myself. While other women end up miserable and sink in despair, I could easily rival those younger ones whose waistlines could easily match their age. The gym with its dumb bells and Nautilus machines was my playground. But now I have moved on to more nature friendly mind and body wellness activities. I hear every breath I take as I lift my head out of the water, my body gliding across the distance of the pool while I do my laps. I see every muscle where once they never were – in my abdomen, my back, my arms – as they move in rhythm with each pilates repetition. I twist my body and flow with my breathing as I concentrate on my mind and body connection moving every inch closer to a full yoga pose. I catch the wind on my face as I pedal uphill and downhill on my bike until my muscles ache. I have never felt stronger and healthier. And I must admit I look better and feel more comfortable with my body now.

Pamper yourself with time alone. I have learned to go on solo trips. While others cannot imagine themselves doing this, I think it’s the best thing I ever did. I went on a solo trip to Bohol recently. Somehow it made me focus on myself mindful of my own safety. Having already seen the tourist spots before I was prepared to spend a quiet weekend in the resort. I armed myself with books to read, a journal to jot down random thoughts and my iPod to put me in a relaxed mood as I lounged by the pool and, not to forget, my swim goggles. I realized though that even as you prepare yourself for a weekend of solitude, you are somehow forced to go out of your comfort zone. I found myself engaging in conversation with the resort’s General Manager, the dining staff and even the “masahista” as I was having my massage on the beach. And ever so brave, I sat down by myself at a restaurant along the beach waiting for the sun to set while sipping my wine in between chats with waiters. With the attending fears, it was altogether a very liberating experience. I had a wonderful time and will definitely do it again. Go try it yourself.

Second, keep yourself occupied. When your mind is active, you have no time to dwell on the past. Grab a book. Take up a hobby or even a foreign language. Challenge your brain even with those very addicting Sudoku puzzles to keep Alzheimer’s away. Volunteer your time and share your blessings with the less fortunate. Try something different. There’s so much to do out there.

Early on after the breakup, I went back to work. While I was delighted to have been able to re-enter the work force at my age, I realized that it didn’t give me the same satisfaction I used to get when I was younger. I refused to be stuck and miserable. I didn’t waste time. Three months passed and I decided to quit. I have now turned my passion in cooking into a humble home business and continue to grab opportunities in the industry as they come. I too have recently attended writing workshops to nurture my mind and soul. Farthest from my mind, I took it up as a challenge. In my solitude, I am now able to compose my thoughts with wild imagination and creativity. And in my spare time, I teach arts and crafts to underprivileged children.

Third, be happy. Reconnect with women. In times of trouble, your sisters and girlfriends will always be there. Without them, your world will never be the same. My sisters have always been there for me. Somehow they have special roles in my life: the eldest is my confidante - I’ll never forget the time she sat with me for seven hours just listening and giving me words of wisdom; the second is my biggest supporter, encouraging me in pursuing my talent; my twin is my recreational partner, whether it be dining out or just hanging out in the beach.

I have re-connected with my girlfriends. There are seven of us in a closely knit group. We have scoured the restaurants from Binondo to as far as San Pablo, each meal peppered with wild secrets and lots of laughter. We may be naughty and crazy at times but we actually thrive on each other’s spirituality. And of course, there will always be my best friend. Despite the distance between us, I know she is just a phone call away. And even if we see each other only on occasional visits, we will always be there for one another.

Now, you might say that amidst all the heartache, this may be easier said than done. Okay, I won’t say it will just come to pass. There are conditions for this to happen and these are actually inspired by the best selling book, The Secret.

First - acceptance and forgiveness. Each of us has our own shortcomings. Accept the fact that there are things you cannot change and establish the qualities that are most important to you. Once you are able to do this you should be able to forgive your spouses and yourselves for all your faults. Second - thanksgiving. Be thankful for what you have, your children, your own families and all the happy memories you once had with your spouses. After all, there must have been some! Third – the intention to move on. Being miserable is your choice. It’s either you choose to wallow in your misery or move on and emerge a stronger person.

There is life indeed after a breakup. When you’re down there’s no other way to go but up. It’s all about the choices we make. I’m beginning to love myself more as each day brings a smile to my face. I have certainly moved on. I don’t remember anymore my one last cry. I have gracefully survived. But despite our differences we have remained friends. So there’s no need for a last goodbye, isn’t it?